Stepping into your power is a mind-fuck.
There. I said it.
And yes, the strong language is necessary when describing this life-altering transformation.
I return to America within a week while I write this. I will be back for a month as I tie up loose ends in order to prepare for my “permanent” move.
And as a part of this retrospective humanity, I cannot help but look back at this past life chapter and wonder what I have learned.
The main lesson?
I am chaos incarnate.
That is not my weakness, it is my power.
I began the journey of knowing on June 28, 2021.
I began the journey of acceptance mid-December.
This past December, one of the healing methods I chose was that of Psylocibin Trauma Therapy.
If this bothers you; know you are loved, but I am setting a boundary.
Keep your opinions to yourself AND take a look at the website below. We have much to learn as to how the earth itself can help us heal.
Back to it.
I went into my healing session with an open mind and heart, and this is what I learned.
“I’ve always known that I hold fire. But before, the fire ate me.
And now? I am learning to hold the fire”
-Kasey Eileen 12/18/2021
“My whole life has been holding chaos. But now I get to add to the chaos.
And I’ll make a fucking ruckus with it”
-Kasey Eileen 12/18/2021
That day, my body purged years of stored trauma from its system.
That day, my mind began to learn the slow lesson of not judging every little minutia.
That day, my soul found acceptance for the life path it was given.
During the healing session, I found the ember of my power within the ashes of a decimated life.
I found peace with the chaos within me.
The following months have been learning to accept this chaos as my power, and even to wield it in the name of love.
Let me pause here dear friend to gently remind you that acceptance was not an overnight journey. That beautiful day in December was the first leap into this freefall of healing transformation.
I came back to Ireland knowing I needed to pause.
I needed to grieve. I needed to purge.
I needed to take the ember I had been given and learn to fan it into flames.
Here in Ireland,
I have had moments of deep peace and solitude.
I have sat in the green hills of Wicklow, alone in the essence of nature.
I have meditated by rivers.
I have napped on sunny rocks.
I have unlocked my eyes so that beauty may always be seen, in the red rose bush, in the swirling creek waters, and in the starry night sky.
I have found peace.
And.
Here in Ireland,
I have chosen to face the shadows of my soul.
My flashbacks have become seizures as my body purges the inky stains of other’s fingers from my spirit.
I have felt intense anger; some deserved, some not.
I have thrown stones into the water begging for meaning to erupt from the echoing splash.
I have stared my demons in the face, and sometimes it breaks me.
I have realized why I am so scared of dark bedrooms.
So, through it all, what have I learned?
That healing is all of the above.
My power lies in the chaos that I let ensue when I chose to heal.
Choosing to live in my power is where I am now.
And it is not easy.
“Do not shush me.”
“This is my life. I thank you for your concern because I know it comes from a place of love. However, for me to heal, I am setting a boundary and asking that you do not project your fears and concerns on to me. Please respect this boundary.”
“I have done this work for just as long as you have; I ask that you treat me with respect”.
“I will not shrink myself to make you comfortable”.
These are all words that have come through my lips during this time of “powering up”.
Often, when I stand in my power; my wise mind will bring back all the old concerns. The fear of being too much. The fear of others not liking us.
The fear that people will leave me if I continue to breathe flame into my ember.
Through meditation, I have come to know these fears as my mind simply trying to protect me.
So, when the fire feels like it is eating me, I take a deep breath, and I remind my mind that we are safe, we are loved, and we are allowed to take up ALL of our space.
I voice these ramblings because my mind has lived in fear recently.
What happens when I go back?
Will this transformed version of me be accepted?
Will others stick by me while I begin to feel out this power?
Will I make people uncomfortable?
I don’t know. I don’t know. And ABSOLUTELY.
I have spent the past year forging into the deepest shadows.
I have allowed my spirit to take control and to guide.
I have quieted my mind and learned to break it free from the societal structures that used to bind us.
I have purged my body until the chaos that swims in her waters is that which I choose.
Choosing to stand in your power will make people uncomfortable, it is inevitable.
Because fear tells us to back off, back down, and be quiet.
And I’ve given a royal middle finger to that fear.
Here is the beauty of it all though:
That ember, that I found within the ashes?
It was love.
Chaotic, unbridled, and unapologetic love.
And now, I am learning to let the flames burn.
I am alchemizing every particle of my being to give over to my fire.
I ask each day to be washed anew by the flames, and each day my power grows.
I am chaos incarnate.
I am love incarnate.
And I am only getting started.
Dear friend.
I pray that you stand in your power too.
I pray you know that you are needed.
Your love is needed.
Your voice is needed.
Your healing is beautiful.
For better or for worse, I am coming back a changed woman.
I am standing alight in the flames of my power.
I am living each moment; forever cradling this ember of love.
Until next time,
-K